Friday, January 18, 2013

Lance Armstrong regrets

The Onion reports

Lance Armstrong Admits To Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs To Show Remorse

AUSTIN, TX—Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong kicked off a campaign to restore his image Monday by admitting in a television interview with Oprah Winfrey that he used a sophisticated cocktail of performance-enhancing drugs to evince remorse and shame. “To make the kind of heartfelt apology I am making now without the help of drugs would be impossible, and so when it came to convincing millions of people that I am a decent human being who is capable of actual regret, I needed an edge,” 


Armstrong reportedly says in the extensive television interview, which sources said the cyclist prepared for by injecting himself with stamina-supporting recombinant erythropoietin and methocarbamol, a muscle relaxant that helps to slacken the Depressor anguli oris, Corrugator supercilii and other facial muscles required to frown and cry. “Make no mistake, it still takes a lot of skill to do what I am doing right now. Saying sorry over and over, all the while maintaining a veneer of humility when you’re actually a self-righteous egomaniac? Drugs or no drugs, that’s impressive.” According to sources, Armstrong then looks directly into the camera with tear-filled eyes and says, “I am so, so sorry.”

It is hard to feel any sympathy what so ever.


  1. Methocarbamol is a muscle relaxant. It works by blocking nerve impulses that are sent to your brain. It has no direct effect on the muscle. Methocarbamol is used together with rest and physical therapy to treat skeletal muscle conditions such as pain and discomfort caused by sprains and strains.

    1. You realise Arun that this is a fictional article from a satirical publication ?