Thursday, May 9, 2013

New Zealand: The Spiders from ?

The Civillian reports

There are spiders everywhere,’ reports stoned Duncan Garner

Duncan Garner smokes synthetic cannabis brand Juicy Puff, which he says has “absolutely nothing” to do with his fear of a global spider caliphate

Television host and RadioLIVE presenter Duncan Garner has filed an in-depth report for 3 News about spiders, which he says are “practically everywhere right now.”

Garner, who has been smoking synthetic cannabis brand Juicy Puff to demonstrate the dangers of the product, burst into the TV3 newsroom yesterday with a wastepaper bin stuck to one foot.

“Shit!” declared Garner. “Ohhh fuck. Shit! I’ve got a fuckin’, a fuckin’ huge story. Stop the press.”

After being told there was no press, Garner showed the newsroom an eight minute video report he’d made that afternoon, which featured him lying in bed squirming and running his hands over his naked body. It then cut to several short clips of him screaming at his children.

“We need to air this immediately,” Garner told them.

The report was not run on 3 News last night, and Garner has this morning lodged what he calls a “formal complaint” against the network for not airing his story. He charges that TV3 owners MediaWorks are engaged in a sinister conspiracy to protect the spiders.

MediaWorks news director Mark Jennings said he wasn’t concerned about the complaint.
“We’ve seen Duncan’s complaint,” he said. “As far as we can tell, it’s just a crayon drawing of a penis. We’ve been informed by our lawyers that it has no substance.”

After the experience, Garner said he’d concluded that synthetic cannabis was “pretty fun,” and that he would “definitely do it again,” perhaps even as early as two hours ago.


1 comment:

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